Al and Clarissa's Poetry Class Spork
by Stereophonic Aftershock
Summary: -Spork/Commentary- Alphonse decides to enroll into a poetry class... because the plot called for it, I guess. He meets a Mary Sue called Clarissa, who likes to use big words in the wrong places, and her annoying friends. Oh, and Havoc is a pussy. This fanfic sucks. -Please don't attack the author. Leave a decent review on her fanfic and provide constructive criticism.-
1. Chapter 1

**I'll be sporking a fanfic by Basketcase789. It's a Fullmetal Alchemist fanfic, in which Al decides to be a Gary Stu and learn everything possible, despite the fact that that'll be IMPOSSIBLE. Oh, and it's offensive, and stupid, sappy and I had several breakdowns because of it.  
I'll be sporking with my character Charlie, who has only seen the First Anime, and CoS. Enoby_Way is my sporking personality.  
This is a blind spork. I have only corrected some points.**

Summary: Alphonse Elric is studying at the University of Amestris...and finds himself taking a poetry class!

**Charlie: Poetry? In Amestris? Who does she use?  
Enoby: No idea. If it's anyone post 1912, then she's an idiot.**

What will happen when he meets a strange girl who faints in class?

**Charlie: Run away screaming 'Oh God! It's Ariana Black!'**

Al/OC, Ed/OC, Havoc/OC. Lots of fluff!

**Enoby: Great.**

This is my very first fanfic, I hope you like it!

**Enoby: You NEVER want to tell people that! The first fanfic is always the worst, and people will judge it before you started!**

I wrote this for one of my best friends and roommate CutieBelle26,

**Charlie: FUCKING NUMBERS.**

who asked me to write a story about her and Al.

**Enoby: FUCKING MARY-SUES.**

As you may guess, the OC's are based off of me (Ed fangirl), CutieBelle26, and my younger sister.

**Charlie: You know, you generally DON'T want to tell them THAT either.**

When my sister heard I was writing a fanfic, she wanted in, too. I told her that Al and Ed were already taken, and she chose to be with Havoc.

**Enoby: Poor Havoc…**

These are NOT our real names LOL.

**Enoby: *stabs***

However, most things that happen in my fic are based off of real life events. Let's say that the world of my fic is like a mix between Amestris, and the city I live in. (Although much of the plot is dramatized)

**Charlie: It's ****_The Only Way is Amestris_****!**

Note: I would not read this if you haven't finished the Fullmetal Alchemist manga, or the Brotherhood anime because there are major spoilers right from the get-go.

**Charlie: I haven't read FMA. Can I go?  
Enoby: No.**

Enjoy~  
Basketcase

**Enoby: No, I don't have the time.  
Charlie: To listen to her whine?**

It's been two fast years

**Charlie: I believe the correct term is 'short'. Fast implies that they're denying themselves something.**

since Alphonse and Edward Elric defeated the homunculus known as "Father"

**Enoby: Look, this fanfic is for those who know the canon. We know that he's a Homunculus- yes, that needs a capital H. Your readers are NOT morons!**

and Al has since returned to his original body. It had taken a lot of effort on Al's part to recover from the atrophy

**Enoby: Atrophy  
Verb  
(of body tissue or an organ) Waste away, typically due to the degeneration of cells, or become vestigial during evolution.**

Author, atrophy doesn't come from malnourishment, like with what happened to Al. It comes from being denied energy. There's a difference, slight, but there it is.

of his body; his body had been kept in an abyss

**Enoby: The Gate.**

and was severely malnourished after being there for two years.

**Enoby: The failed transmutation happened in 1910, and they defeated Father in around 1914-15. That is NOT two years! I found this out on the FMA wiki where they have a ****_timeline_****.**

However, Al had a strong will and it didn't take long for him to overcome those unfortunate circumstances.

**Charlie: A strong will does not equal fast recovery. He'd have a small stomach so would have to gradually increase his portions. Not to mention the fact that he'll be hypersensitive to EVERYTHING! Do you know how many fanfic writers made Al orgasm because of the sensation of the new smells, touch and sounds? His body would be reacting to everything, so he'd have to control that. Even then, the hypersensitivity won't fully go away.**

After coming to a complete recovery, Al decided that he wanted to spend the rest of his days searching for knowledge. He wanted to know everything. He wanted to learn everything, from philosophy, to science, to literature. Two years later, he found himself at the University of Amestris.

**Enoby: Al is an Alchemical prodigy. That doesn't mean that he's ah-maze-ing at everything.**

Clarissa opened her eyes wide as dread swept over her.

_When did the alarm clock go off? Why hadn't I woken up?_

She didn't have time to ponder these thoughts

**Charlie: She didn't have time to think about her thoughts? I thought girl's were good at multi-tasking.  
Enoby: She's not a girl; she's a Sue.**

as she launched out of bed and grabbed the nearest pair of acceptable clothes: a pair of clean jeans and her favourite t-shirt.

**Charlie: At university? Real smart! I'm not even going to give her points on the jeans- they WERE invented in 1873, but only became popular for teens in the 1960s... jeans were for MINERS.**

Besides, she already knew the answers to her questions.

Charlie: So she had time to think about answering the questions? Make your mind up!/b

She was a complete night owl,

**Enoby: Can someone explain that to me? Is it an American phrase? What does that even MEAN?**

and 8:30 am classes would be her worst enemy this semester.  
"But it's poetry!" Clarissa said aloud and clapped her hands together.

**Charlie: *mocking* But it's poetry! Oooh!**

She didn't have time to make breakfast, so she popped a piece of gum in her mouth and ran out of the residential apartment.

**Charlie: I hope you choke.  
Enoby: She hasn't done anything yet!**

"Felicia, why didn't you wake me?"

**Enoby: Oh, sure. Blame your friend. This reminds me of 50 Shades of Grey.**

Clarissa shouted to her roommate's closed bedroom door as she raced out the front door, clutching her favourite notebook.

**Enoby: (Clarissa) It has unicorns! And rainbows! And cupcakes!  
Charlie: NO!**

Clarissa panted and wheezed as she ran down the street and up the stairs to the building her poetry classroom was located.

**Charlie: She needs to work out.**

"Oh, and on the first day, too!" she cursed. She glanced at one of the four watches on her right arm.

**Enoby: … What. Why. How. HUH? Why the fuck do you want four watches? Are you measuring Amestrian, Xingian, Drachman and Liore's time?**

"I might just make it...!"  
She grabbed the doorknob and turned it, but the door didn't budge.

**Charlie: Hey! Komedy!  
Enoby: Well of course it isn't going to move, you need to either push or pull the door. What, have you only ever been around automatic doors?**

"What?" she practically screamed and quickly covered her mouth. She twisted and jerked at the knob

**Charlie: *giggles***

some more, and passersby stared at her while she violently twisted the doorknob.  
"Damn it, door! You're my worst enemy this morning, and I will defeat you!"

**Enoby: Fuck you. Anime comedy doesn't translate well into fanfiction.**

She gritted her teeth and growled, and finally the door budged open – taking her by surprise so she fell flat on her face with a loud flump.

**Charlie: It's Bella! Hi, Bella!**

"You must be Clarissa O'Gonnor," a man said, peering down at her over his glasses from a podium in front of the classroom. "You're the last one to arrive, I've already taken attendance. Take your seat, oxin."

**Enoby: What? What is that? Can someone explain why the Amestrian teacher is calling his student 'oxin'?  
Charlie: I'd say it's some form of Gratuitous Japanese.**

Clarissa's face reddened. Several people chuckled behind their hands as she passed by. She glanced around the room awkwardly, looking for an empty seat.  
Full house she thought. As she passed rows of people, a boy said, "Hey O'Gonnor, you're a goner."

**Charlie: Ha. Ha ha. Die.**

"Ha, ha," Clarissa faked a laugh, "never heard that one before."  
Clarissa found an available seat and flopped down in the chair. She set her notebook down on the counter-top table and glanced at the blond-haired boy to her right. He smiled back at her.

**Enoby: I hate her already.**

"Hi! I'm Alphonse. Nice to meet you."

**Charlie: No, AL! Get away!**

Why's he so bright and chipper? she wondered to herself, staring into his deep golden eyes.  
**Enoby: What a creep!  
Charlie: No kidding! If a girl started staring at me, I'd move!**

"Yeah, hi, I'm Clarissa," she said, twirling some hair around her finger, realizing she hadn't brushed her hair.

**Enoby: (Clarissa) DUH-HUHHHH.**

She hadn't even glanced in a mirror; she must look like a train wreck. She wished she'd been able to get Felicia to look over her outfit, because she had the best fashion sense out of anyone she knew.

**Charlie: Oh, hey, Alice!**

"Clarissa...that's a pretty name."

**Enoby: No it isn't.**

"Alphonse is a weird name."

**Charlie: Well, that's rude!  
Enoby: *speechless***

She paused, not meaning to say that aloud. The boy smiled back at her.  
"Yeah, I guess it kind of is," he laughed. "Why don't you call me Al instead?"

**Enoby: Al wouldn't say that.**

"Alright, Al. Look, I'm sorry for saying that. Everyone always says that I'm brutally honest, and I guess I am..."  
"That's alright," he said. "I appreciate honesty."

**Charlie: Don't say that! She'll think that being a bitch is the same thing!**

Clarissa beamed back at him.  
"Alright," the professor began. "My name is Gil Peterson. Please call me Professor Peterson or Dr. Peterson. Why don't we begin with introductions, oxin?"

**Charlie: For fuck's sake.**

"O'Gonnor needs no introduction," a voice snickered, and the class laughed. Clarissa wished she knew who'd said it so she could pummel them after class.

**Bella: That's reasonable.**

"Alright," Professor Peterson said. "I'll state your last name. Please introduce yourself, what program you are enrolled in, and a few things you like, or like to do, oxin."

**Enoby: (Count Tyrone) STOP SAYING THAT!**

Boring, boring, very boring, gay Clarissa ticked off as her fellow classmates introduced themselves. Clarissa's first impressions of people were never wrong.

**Charlie: That doesn't mean that you have to be conceited about it!**

"Elric."  
The blonde-haired boy next to her pushed his chair back and stood.  
"Yes, Alphonse Elric, here, sir."  
Clarissa's jaw dropped.

**Enoby: HOW DID YOU NOT KNOW WHO HE WAS BY HIS NAME? Alphonse isn't exactly popular, you know!**

"Mr. Elric, what program are you taking, oxin?"  
"Rocket science, sir."

**Enoby: FUCKING ROCKET SCIENCE? AMESTRIS ADVANCED IN ALCHEMY, NOT PHYSICS!**

There was a collective gasp around the classroom.  
around the classroom.

**Charlie: (Class) It's Alfons Heiderich!**

"Really?" the professor asked, his eyebrows raised. "It's not very often we get a rocket scientist taking poetry. Although, I certainly believe anyone can write poetry...poetry does not discriminate according to program.

**Charlie: Actually, it's a well-known correlation that people who are good at sciences and maths are not as good as interpreting studies, like language and literature. They require different skills.**

Tell us a bit about yourself, Mr. Elric. Oxin."  
"Well, as you can guess, I love rockets!

**Enoby: But they don't exist in Amestris!**

I have one brother, his name is Ed. He's the only family I've got left.

**Enoby: If this is 1916-17, then Ed would be at least engaged to Winry. But she and Pinako, and Gracia and Elysia, and everyone else that Al met are people that he and Ed consider family. ESPECIALLY MEI-Fucking-CHANG.**

I enjoy good food and travelling. I'm on the search for knowledge, and that includes poetry, too. That's why I'm taking this class."  
"Very interesting," Professor Peterson said. "I hope you will try your hardest in this class, oxin."

**Charlie: (Al) I prefer pork, actually.**

"Yes, I will, sir!"  
Alphonse sat back down in his chair.

_Very interesting..._

**Enoby: Who said that?  
Charlie: I don't know... What was that chapter even about?  
Enoby: It introduced the Sue. She faints in the next chapter.  
Charlie: *glowers like the sky***


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter Two

Here's Chapter 2! Things will start to get more interesting in this chapter, I hope you like it!  
~Basketcase

_Rich girl_

**Charlie: She's in uni, what else do you think she'll be?**

, gay, drug addict..  
**Enoby: Why would a drug addict be in university?**

.Clarissa ticked off as more students introduced themselves. Come on, come on, let's do some poetry! Clarissa pleaded internally. This is taking way too long!

**Charlie: I hate her.**

The only other person who caught her attention was Hollins. Jake Hollins. He was the boy who made fun of her last name. She'd have to keep her eye on him. He wasn't enrolled in any programs in particular, but was taking other classes like Poker 101 and Drugs 101. Lovely.

**Enoby: As someone who is studying the concepts of university for writing stories, I know that Poker 101 and Drugs 101 are not real. The closest thing would be to do with sociology.  
Charlie: *cheerfully* Jake Hollins is really intelligent!**

Clarissa waited rather impatiently for her turn to introduce herself. Finally, the professor called her surname. She opened her mouth to speak but was cut off by the professor.  
"Although...as Mr Hollins said, you don't really need any introduction..."

**Charlie: And the teacher is shit.**

Clarissa blushed and addressed the class.  
"Hi, I'm Clarissa O'Gonnor. I'm majoring in English.

**Charlie: Yeah, but what's your MINOR?  
Enoby: Eh, the author wants to be in the FBI, but retire EARLY.  
Charlie: The fuck? Does she know anything?**

I really like any form of creative writing, whether it's writing stories, songs, or as you can suspect, poetry.

**Enoby: Apparently not. As someone who WANTS to do Creative Writing in university- but most likely won't, I know that you can't write stories, songs and poetry in it. You don't class that as creative writing- they are forms of media. Creative writing refers to the actual ****_writing_****of the texts.**

I like chocolate, taking care of plants (I have two in my apartment: Martha and Mildred).

**Charlie: Who speaks in brackets?**

I like karaoke, Chinese food, Tinkerbell, and Dance Dance Revolution. Peace!"

**Enoby: What's funny, is that NONE of that exists in Amestris!**

The class was silent. Then...  
"O'Gonnor," Jake muttered and the class burst out laughing.

**Charlie: They're 18 at youngest, not 12. Why is that even funny? Explain.**

Clarissa slumped in her chair and crossed her arms over her chest. _Honestly, what is so funny about my name?_  
After all the introductions,

**Enoby: The grammar, it's horrible.**

they finally had time for a poem.

**Charlie: Roses are red, violets are blue, I've got sake porn and condoms-  
Enoby: Fuck you.**

"Let's take it easy for our first class. I would like for you all to write a poem; it can be about anything you'd like. We will take them up before the end of class, oxin."  
**Enoby: WHAT THE FUCK? EASY?! THE FIRST LESSON WOULD BE ABOUT LOOKING AT TROPES AND CONVENTIONS OF POETRY, INCLUDING SYMBOLISM, CONTEXT AND THEMES!  
Charlie: Why haven't they explored popular poems and their writers? That's what we did at school.**

_What to write, what to write..._Clarissa thought. She tapped her pen on the table and chewed her gum. _Hungry. Food._ She'd skipped breakfast and now cried inwardly.

**Charlie: It's only been about half an hour!**

Al turned to face Clarissa. "Does a poem have to rhyme?"

**Enoby: Al isn't that stupid.**

"No, not necessarily. A poem can be written however you want. Sometimes a poem sounds more appealing when it rhymes, though."

**Charlie: No. That's the purpose of exploring conventions, so YOU don't act like a teacher and be all holier-than-thou.**

Al beamed. "'Kay, thanks!" He began scribbling away in his binder.

**Enoby: Yeah, that's good and everything… but why isn't he writing in a notebook? I mean, he'll run out of space in a binder after one lesson.**

"Oh, hey, you're left-handed too?" Clarissa asked.

**Enoby: THE FUCK? ED'S THE ONE WHO'S LEFT-HANDED, AND THAT'S CAUSE OF HIS AUTOMAIL! HE AND AL WERE RIGHT-HANDED BEFORE THE TRANSMUTATION!  
Charlie: *is creeped out from the question***

Al looked up from his papers. "Yeah, I am. You, too? That's funny.

**Charlie: Al's retaining some sense of canon, I see. Look, he's speaking in deadpan.**

Hey, why do you have so many watches on your arm?"

Clarissa sighed. "People kept giving me watches as a present. Christmas, Easter, you name it. I wear so many so people won't give me anymore watches."

**Enoby: NEITHER OF THOSE HOLIDAYS EXIST IN FMA!**

"Ah..." he replied and Clarissa could tell he was trying to stifle a laugh.  
Clarissa began writing.  
_Cake...strawberries...icing...cookies..._  
Clarissa began licking her lips as she thought of all the delicious foods she could be eating.

**Charlie: That's not a poem; that's a shopping list.**

"Alright, would anyone like to share their poem?" the professor asked.  
Clarissa was still scribbling away frantically in her notebook, trying to come up with the perfect poem.

**Charlie: I like that. The one who is apparently obsessed with poetry doesn't write any in her spare time, and can't think. At all.  
Enoby: You'd think she'd bring examples with her.**

"I-I will," Al said. He cleared his throat and stood.  
"I wish I could be like a rocket  
flying through the air.  
Not a care in the world  
has this rocket  
as it soars across the sky.  
I wish I could fly through the air,  
carried by your love."

**Charlie: *snickers* GAY! *laughs*  
Enoby: That was the stupidest poem I've heard since Forbiden Fruit!**

Al sat back down in his seat, his cheeks pink.

**Enoby: Quite rightly, too. That was stupid.**

The professor clapped his hands, and immediately the rest of the class joined in. Clarissa clapped as well and smiled at the boy.

**Charlie: They make it sound like he's retarded.**

"Not bad, not bad, Mr Elric, given the short time you had to come up with your poem. Would anyone else like to share, oxin?"

**Charlie: I can come up with a poem in a short amount of time. Look!  
Never before, O shalt he sin,  
Can his will? Wilt or stay?  
Nevermore a saint,  
Betrayed by fate,  
Yet the very embers of his,  
Burning eyes,  
Cast their gaze on the land,  
Razed by Gods, Razed by wrath,  
O, can his will. Wilt or stay.  
Enoby: Bloody hell, Charlie. I have no idea WHAT to say to that.  
Charlie: Better that Al's shit. It took me two minutes.  
Enoby: *stares***

"Finished!" Clarissa muttered under her breath and stood up in her excitement.  
"Ah, Miss O'Gonnor, you would like to present your poem?" the professor asked, his mouth twitching as if he was trying to contain a smirk.

**Charlie: Here we go.  
Enoby: It's going to be about food, isn't it?**

"Eh? Uh, sure..."  
Clarissa took a deep breath and slowly read her poem to her peers. Her eyes fixed on her paper, she gave a melodious tone to her poem about decadent desserts.

**Enoby: Well what do you know.**

When she finished reading it, she sighed, content. The entire room was silent, and Clarissa looked up from her paper.

**Charlie: I like how she knew that she couldn't write a poem, so the author did that.  
Enoby: Here we go.  
Pink frosted cream,  
The icy top,  
A soft sponge,  
All in a dream,  
And as I say,  
"Come! Fools!  
Do not wait!"  
I let it pass,  
A soft grip,  
A silken taste,  
The richness of a decadent cake,  
It shall fill the stomachs,  
Of starving men.**

Charlie: *sniffles* Oh, darliiinnk! That was B-E-A-UTIFUL!

Everyone was staring at her, including Al and the professor. Al looked utterly blown away.

**Charlie: Because his brother was under his-  
Enoby: NO!**

Professor Peterson removed his glasses with a shaky hand.  
"Miss O'Gonnor...that was absolutely amazing..."

**Charlie: Yes. It was brilliant.  
Enoby: My dessert poem is canon. CANON I TELL THEE!**

"Eh? Really?" she blinked.  
"Yes! I'd say it's on the same level as Shakespeare...the way you described the taste of those foods...unbelievable."

**Charlie: Now, I wouldn't go THAT far.  
Enoby: I am absolutely astounded. She didn't write a poem, and had the nerve to make the Professor say that it was on the same level as Shakespeare?  
Charlie: Blasphemy!**

The professor put his glasses back on and took a deep breath. "Class...dismissed."

**Charlie: Is he crying? Oh my God, he's actually crying.**

Clarissa sighed and closed her notebook. She couldn't believe her poem was so good.  
"Clarissa, that was...just amazing!" Al said, smiling. "My poem was nothing compared to yours."

**Charlie: They were both about being eaten out.**

"Really?" was all Clarissa could say. Her stomach had begun growling like a monster and she hoped no one could hear. It was close to lunch...

**Enoby: So… They've had four hours?**

"Say..." Al said and his cheeks were rosy. "Would you like to hang out some time? You could teach me to write better poems..."

**Charlie: GET OUT OF THERE!**

"Uhm," she said, becoming socially awkward. "No. Not right now at least." She rose from her chair quickly. Food.

**Enoby: *jaw drops* How rude! Just tell him that you need to get something to eat, so maybe another time! Geez!**

"Ah, I didn't mean right now," Al said hastily, his face reddening.  
Clarissa meant to say something but it came out unintelligible. She swooned and felt herself against the cold floor.

**Enoby: GAH!  
Charlie: *stunned* Ehhhh... bleurgh...**

The last thing she was aware of was Jake's voice.

**Charlie: She must be an empath.  
Enoby: *hisses***

"O'Gonnor's a goner!"

**Enoby: Who faints from hunger like THAT?  
Charlie: What kind of person laughs at someone who fainted? Seriously!**


End file.
